According to relationship and marriage expert Dr. John Gottman, couples wait an average of six years of being unhappy before getting help. That’s an awfully long time to feel unheard, misunderstood, lonely, disappointed, discouraged, and helpless. When working with couples, I realize that they have been suffering for a long time before making the courageous decision to seek help.
Our journey together often begins by establishing boundaries and creating a safe and nurturing environment that is conducive to the development of interpersonal skills, sharing of emotions and experiences, and having their needs met by their partner in a healthy manner.
For couples counseling to be effective, both members of the couple must be committed to the process. “Commitment” means that both members are willingly attending sessions, being honest in-session, open to trying new things, and practicing new skills learned between sessions.
Here are some signs that help may be needed:
Communication difficulties
Communication is the most common issue that couples identify as a goal in couples counseling. Negative communication can include anything that leaves one partner feeling depressed, insecure, disregarded, or wanting to withdraw. A skilled clinician can provide you with tools that will help you connect, hear, and understand each other much better on a daily basis.
A breach of trust
This includes infidelity in the form of sex, an emotional affair, or a series of lies or deception. Rebuilding trust after an affair is not impossible, but it takes commitment, a willingness to forgive, and energy toward moving forward.
Frequent or intense arguments
An increase in frequency, duration, or intensity of arguments can be a sign that help is needed. Research by John Gottman indicates that how a couple handles conflict is one of the best predictors of whether their relationship will survive.
Feeling like roommates
When emotional or physical intimacy is gone or deeply diminished, and it feels like you’re simply “co-existing,” couples counseling can help identify what’s missing.
A devastating life event
Loss of a child or loved one, long-term unemployment, or health difficulties can strain the strongest bonds. The support of a therapist can help to strengthen your bond and unite you during a difficult time of healing.
Regardless of the outcome, we truly believe that with commitment, the process will improve the lives of the individuals attending counseling. My hope is always that the relationship will flourish and that the couple will be reminded of the reason they fell in love.
